Mr. Rage: Furious About Films...

"The Taking of Pelham 123" 

Gets 2 Fuckin'-A rights!

This week, I saw “The Taking of Pelham 123,” an action movie directed by Tony Scott.

Now, the Rage Brothers will be kicking ass and taking names if they could roll like the Scott Brothers – Ridley and Tony. Shit, man – just look at the great movies those British bulldogs have made.

Tony got it started with hot lesbian vampires in “The Hunger” and followed with “Top Gun,” “Beverly Hills Cop II,” “The Last Boy Scout,” “True Romance,” “Crimson Tide” and “Enemy of the State.” You will find each of those in my DVD collection. In fact, I like to watch one of them late at night. No, not “Top Gun.” Dick.

Then, Ridley’s got “Alien,” “Blade Runner,” “Thelma & Louise,” “Gladiator,” “Black Hawk Down.” The guy even got Demi Moore to say “suck my dick” in “G.I. Jane.”

The Scotts rock, but they’re not on a roll. “Body of Lies”? Weak, Ridley. Just weak. And Tony hasn’t made anything Mr. Rage has liked for a long time. “The Taking of Pelham 123” is good for an hour. Then, it made me as angry as John Travolta’s character is at the start of the movie.

He’s Ryder, a dude with badass tattoos and big-ass guns who hijacks a subway train in New York and holds its passengers hostage for $10 million. Travolta’s always better as a bad guy. No one has shouted “Brother!” so angrily since the heyday of “Macho Man” Randy Savage.

In fact, I’m inducting Mr. Travolta into the F-Bomb Hall of Fame. Perhaps I’ll plate one in gold and send it to him. He makes “fuck” sound like a rocking guitar solo in this movie. In fact, he shouts “motherfucker” so many times that he might have found a way to use it as an article and a prepositional phrase. He stops just short of adverbs, so let me say Travolta is motherfuckingly outstanding in this movie. The man even tells James Gandolfini (aka Tony Soprano) to “lick his bunghole.” Whoa. Samuel L. Jackson would be proud. Bravo.

Anyway, Ryder ends up on the horn with Garber, who’s played by Denzel Washington. Garber is a dude who could use a case of F-Bombs. He’s given his life to mass transit, and for what? He’s being investigated for taking a bribe when he starts talking to Ryder. Waiting for the cops and the mayor to arrive, Garber’s got to get through to Ryder, who, if I can say it again, is one crazy motherfucker.

It’s fun to watch Washington and Travolta go back and forth, even though you sort of wish Washington would go “Training Day” on Travolta. Problem is, the action – when it happens – is the worst part. Both Washington and Travolta suddenly go from smart to stupid. And if I were the NYPD, I’d get my lawyer on the line. The movie suggests they’re shitty drivers and fat, sluggish beat cops. Of course, I’ve not been to New York, so that could be a perfectly valid portrayal. Still, it seems fishy.

And Travolta’s master plot – which didn’t make much sense in relation to his small-scale hostage situation – really pissed me off. Let’s just say another bunch of assholes probably got rich. But I’m not worried – I’ll be there soon moving these F-Bombs.

In the meantime, I’ll give “The Taking of Pelham 123” 1, 2 – but not 3 – fuckin’-A rights. Well, that’s it. Join me next time when I review a pissed-off-looking bunch of giant robots in “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.” Until then, rage on.